My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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