Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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