I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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