he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
