Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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