OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
