My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
