I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
