I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize