i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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