pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize