Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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