Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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