Michael Bay diarrhea
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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