did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
