Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
