He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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