She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
