Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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