Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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