Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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