I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
