Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Randomize
