Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
