You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
me + whiskey = a bad person
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
