your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
