Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize