Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
