How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
