What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
