Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
