When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
