don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize