There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
