dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
