Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
