Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
