I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
