um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
