Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
