I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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