I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
i think i just lost a toe
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
