Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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