Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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