just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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