didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
