i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize