I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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