recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
