Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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