I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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