she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
