I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
