Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
