i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
