eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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