I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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