I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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