The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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