So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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