When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize