why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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