Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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