Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
