I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
