I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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