I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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