Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
