im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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