Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
