i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
