Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
