I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
